The Control Myth

So I am a control freak by nature. I know that is so incredibly shocking to many women out there, but it is, in fact, one of my greatest challenges in life. In my childhood it translated into rebellion and in adulthood hyper-perfectionism and unreasonable expectations. I have always struggled with the myth that if I stay in total control, then bad things will not happen. This is something that tends to be cultivated by the world. Time after time, the Lord has tested me on this assumption, frequently throwing me a curve-ball situation in which I had absolutely no control (such as becoming pregnant with my son four months after my daughter was born...). In these situations I have two choices, I can turn to Christ and find hope and comfort...or I can sink into a depression and fight to find something else I can control.
With each life lesson, I learn more and more about what Christ truly offers when we turn to him rather than trying to control. The truth is, control is a myth. It is an illusion that we have created in our sinful natures to make it easier to become our own God. I love how Andrea Lennon prays..."Lord, You are God and I am not." Whew. With each ounce of control I relinquish, my burden becomes lighter. Now, make no mistake, my life doesn't become easier...but God never promised us easy. He did, however, promise He would remain in control. This means He's got it...He knows what is coming, He knows what has been...and He knows how I am going to react to things. He walks with me and understand me like no one else. I don't understand why I wouldn't want Him to be in control! ...Ahhh, but then the myth tries to sneak by in:)
Over the past two months my husband and I have been going through a trial with our son. Boy, those are the ones that sneak that myth back in quickly, aren't they? Brother has had a lump on his neck about the size of a walnut, maybe a bit larger. We had gone undiagnosed for almost two months with the fear of lymphoma very real to us. You have never seen two people hit their knees so quickly! The Lord has not healed brother (yet)...but He has never left our side. He has repeatedly revealed Himself to us through friends asking us to pray, outpourings of love, and opening the door to see a doctor at Children's Hospital that may not have been opened otherwise. I have seen God through this. And although this had been difficult, my faith has grown everyday. I recently read the story in Matthew 14 about Jesus walking on water. He calls Peter out to Him and Peter jumps out of the boat without thinking twice. Then the myth takes over...Peter realizes he is standing in a sea of water and he has no control over the situation. I can just see his mind working...."how am I going to get back to the boat...what am I going to do if I sink...how do I get myself out of this?" The process of reverting back to that question..."how am I going to control this situation." Finally, Peter realizes he is not alone...Jesus, the Savior, is standing right in front of him. So he makes the statement I have made so many times upon realizing my control is a lie..."Lord, save me!" And Jesus is ever faithful...He immediately stretches out his hand to hold Peter's. "Why did you doubt?" he asks. I wonder how frequently He asks that of me? Loosing focus of Jesus for one second allows our minds to explore other options...options we think we can plan out under the facade of control. The fact is there is no other option. Only Jesus...and He is ever faithful to stand right before me, holding out his hand. And I rest in the fact he is doing that for my son as well. Thank you Jesus!